On "60 Minutes" Sunday night, President Obama said, "Between seven and ten, I sort of know what I'm doing." And when it comes to the seven-ten split, he has no idea what he's doing.

You know what was weird? There was no Andy Rooney commentary at the end of "60 Minutes" Sunday night. 304 million people in America are pissed right now, but Andy Rooney couldn't find anything to complain about.

President Bush has started the writing on his first book since leaving the White House. He says he's already written 30,000 words, and now all he has to do is put 'em in the right order.

Lindsay Lohan has asked the Baldwin brothers to help her stay sober. Why, was Amy Winehouse busy? That's like asking Lehman Brothers to help you stay financially solvent.

Lindsay Lohan has asked the Baldwin brothers to help her stay sober. Isn't that like asking Madonna to help you stay celibate?

A new poll says 81 percent of New Yorkers disapprove of Governor David Paterson. In a related story, the New York State legislature has voted to tax former Governor Eliot Spitzer's hooker purchases at a rate of 81 percent.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was on "Meet the Press" Sunday to talk about building up the nation's infrastructure. Arnold had a message for the nation's sewers. He said, "I'm going to pump you up so we can pump you out!"

Madonna has moved her 22-year-old, Brazilian model-boyfriend, into her New York apartment with her three children, 12-years old and younger. The kids called Playgirl Magazine and said, "Hey, we actually have an Uncle now who has a chance of being Mr. October."

Democratic Senator Kent Conrad went on ABC's "This Week" Sunday, and told host George Stephanopoulos three times that we should tell the AIG executives to either give back the bonus money or they're "fired." Look, Senator, we want to get the bonus millions back... not also be on the hook for unemployment insurance. Idiot!

The big story on the tabloid news shows is that President Obama entered the "Tonight Show" studios through a "secret tunnel." Okay it's true. He came in through the secret tunnel for special guests. Not the one that runs from Mexico to Kevin Eubanks dressing room.

One of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's biggest problems is he can't get anybody to work for him because they're going through everyone's past tax returns with a fine-toothed comb. They say the trouble with juries is they're made up of people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty. Do we really want people working at the Treasury Department who were too stupid to figure out a way to cheat on their taxes?

"60 Minutes" interviewer Steve Kroft asked President Obama if the fact that he could still laugh with all the problems he's facing was an indication that he's "punch-drunk?" Geez, Steve, its hard not to laugh looking at your humongous face. Your face looks like Rush Limbaugh's ass with eyes. At least Obama doesn't look "punched-out."

Seriously, Kroft, was your fat, ugly mug run over by a Hummer or did you suck face with a cobra? Too bad there's no room for a brain in that Macy's Parade balloon you call your head.

The Detroit Lions will retire the number 93 for one season, to honor the late Corey Smith who drowned three weeks ago when the boat he was fishing on capsized. When you're the Detroit Lions, the only chance you get to retire a number is when somebody drowns.

Who'd want to wear the dead guy's number anyway? Like a guy on the Lions wants to tempt bad luck? "Sure I'd like to wear his number. And he left some unfinished macaroni salad in the team room fridge. I loves' me macaroni salad..."

Actress Lisa Rinna, whose posing nude for Playboy, says she's "not comfortable on the red carpet," she's comfortable when she's "naked." Lisa, for you're your information, there are no red carpets at my house.

Martha Stewart said she went to a party last week and Madonna wouldn't talk to her. You know Madonna. She doesn't play with people her own age.

On "The News Hour with Jim Lehrer," a guy who operates a coin and precious metals exchange, said people are so distrustful of banks, he knows a man who owns at least a "thousand silver ounce bars," and he "spray-painted them black," and "uses them as doorstops in his house." People pass 'em by. This got me to thinking... after rumors of assassination squads, we should really investigate those creepy-looking mannequins at Dick Cheney's Department Store...

With so many people hurting in the bad economy, rich and privileged people are starting to feel guilty and conspicuous. In fact, they're not even calling them "rich and privileged" anymore. They're "Challenge-Challenged."

At a conservative dinner in the Washington Grand Hyatt Hotel Thursday night, Joe the Plumber got such a wonderful ovation, he said all the love was making him "horny." And don't you know, Bristol Palin shouted, "I'm suddenly single!"

So Joe the Plumber is horny... he must have seen Rush Limbaugh bending over and grabbing his ankles.

And after the event, it's rumored Joe the Plumber laid some pipe at a gathering of Log Cabin Republicans...

On Friday, Congressman Barney Frank attacked planned bonuses for executives at Fannie Mae. You know the tide has turned when Barney Frank has discouraging words to say about Fannie.

Republicans are angry that with all the problems he's facing, Barack Obama took the time to make out NCAA brackets, go on "The Tonight Show," and "60 Minutes." They wonder why he didn't just go the Obama family ranch to clear bush and cut firewood.

Last week, Senator Charles Grassley said the executives at AIG should commit suicide. On Sunday, a pod of whales stranded themselves on an Australian beach, and lots of them died. Hey, when Grassley said nobody’s too big to fail, he wasn’t talking to you whales!

Many Republicans have criticized President Obama for his "Tonight Show" appearance saying it's below the dignity of his office to appear on ridiculous TV shows. It's a principled decision for members of the GOP. Remember, during the campaign, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin refused to go on ridiculous TV shows like "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation," ABC's "This Week," Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer".....