Jokes Jay Leno Didn't Buy But Should Have

President Barack Obama appeared on the “Tonight Show” Thursday evening where he made a stupid and tacky remark comparing his poor bowling skills to the “Special Olympics.” Apparently 37 wasn’t just his bowling score. It’s also his IQ.

The White House claimed Mr. Obama could handle the “Tonight Show” and the economy simultaneously because he can “walk and chew gum at the same time.” Turns out he can’t sit and chew the fat at the same time.

The sad part is, now that the President has gotten into hot water with an “Olympics” controversy, he’s lost his endorsement deal with Kelloggs.

In Congress Thursday, Ohio Representative Steven LaTourette said that “sphincters were tightening on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.” These are tough days. Money’s tight. Sphincters are tight. The only thing that’s loose is Obama’s mouth.

At a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday, President Obama said that “over the next two years,” he would “create or save” 396,000 jobs in California. It’s a good start… but that’s not even enough jobs to cover Carlos Mencia’s cousins.

Some Republicans are angry about attempts to get back the bonuses from the AIG executives. They say it’s unconstitutional to violate signed contracts… Unless they’re union autoworker contracts, or hard-working teacher’s contracts. Republicans love to tear those up. Just not contracts for fat-ass fat-cats on Wall Street.

On Thursday, the Obama administration announced that they will end federal raids on distributors of medical marijuana. Apparently, Obama feels that if everyone is stoned, they won’t notice what a mess his Treasury Secretary is making of the of the bank rescue plan.

Friday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama broke ground on a garden for fruits, herbs and vegetables. So on Thursday the Obama Justice Department says it’s no longer conducting marijuana raids, and on Friday the Obama’s started a White House garden. If you were a suspicious person these stories might seem connected…

Friday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama broke ground on a garden that will supply the White House kitchen with fresh fruits, herbs and vegetables. That’s all well and good…but if I see them bringing in 50 pound bags of rice, some bailing wire and a ten thousand gallons of drinking water, I’m putting my money in my mattress.

Michelle Obama has broken ground on a White House Kitchen Garden. The Obama’s are receiving several garden gifts from around the country. Bill Maher sent marijuana seeds. PETA sent them some okra and eggplant seeds… and Rush Limbaugh sent some watermelon seeds.

Remember Ohio Representative Steve LaTourette saying that the backlash hitting the White House over the AIG bonuses is causing sphincters to tighten “on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue”? Too bad. They’re going to need manure for that garden.

Osama bin Laden released his second audio-tape in less than a week. Talk about “March Madness.”

In France, thousands of protesters jammed the streets on Thursday demanding higher work salaries and better job security. This begs the question, “What freaking planet are French people living on?”

The submerged U.S. Navy submarine, the Hartford, has collided in the Straight of Hormuz with the U.S. Naval ship, the New Orleans, causing punctures to both vessels. Thank goodness all the sailors are okay. Today former President Bush said to Barack Obama, “Keeping water from rushing into things named “New Orleans” isn’t as easy as it sounds.”

Senator Charles Grassley, the man who said last week that AIG executives should commit suicide, told Attorney General Eric Holder Thursday that his decision to end raids on distributors of medical marijuana violates the basic rule of medicine, “first, do no harm.” This is great advice coming from Senator “Kevorkian”.

Worried parents who weren’t able to talk their college-student kids out of going to Spring Break in violence-ravaged Cancun, Mexico, are biting their fingernails. Although, the kids are taking precautions… they’re using bullet-proof bota-bags and Kevlar keg-dispensers. But the college students have a great point about being safe. The drug cartels aren’t like the cigarette companies. They’re not out to kill their best customers…

Former “American Idol” winner, Kelly Clarkson’s new album, “All I Ever Wanted,” is holding for the second week at #1. Although, Laura Ingraham says that it should be named, “All I Ever Wanted to Eat.” I kid Laura Ingraham. Just channeling her…

After many attempts, the astronauts at the International Space Station were finally able to attach the last part of the solar-wing array to the outside of the station. Richard Simmons said, “I totally understand the difficulty. Attaching the wings is always the hardest part of my day.”

Shoppers in the produce section of a Tulsa supermarket were shocked to find one of the world’s most deadly arachnids, a Brazilian wandering spider, among the bunches of bananas. It’s the most deadly thing that’s been found in a produce section since the spinach, the lettuce, the organic salsa…

Larry Mullen Jr., the drummer for U2 says he wants the band to retire while they’re still on top. Unfortunately, to do that, they’ll have to buy a DeLorean and hook up with Dr. Emmitt Brown.

“Grey’s Anatomy” star T.R. Knight was only slightly injured in a three-car freeway accident after he collided with the car in front of him, which in turn collided with another vehicle. It’s the first three-way rear-ender T.R. Knight’s ever been involved in that didn’t end with everybody having a cigarette.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced President Obama at a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday. He told the President that he met Michelle Obama many years earlier. In fact they starred together in a movie called “Conan the Destroyer.”

Later, Mr. Obama appeared on the “Tonight Show,” where he made an unfortunate remark comparing his poor bowling skills to the “Special Olympics.” That’s what happens when you let Joe Biden write your comedy material.

Actor James Franco, who played the lover of the gay city councilman in “Milk,” is studying for his Master’s Degree at Columbia University, but he’s finding that difficult because students keep pursuing him romantically. And that’s just men’s glee club.

Prince William says he wishes he were invisible so he could hang out at the British tabloids and hear the latest rumors about his love-life first-hand. Prince Charles says he’s glad William isn’t invisible, because if he were he’d catch him selling secrets about William’s love-life to the tabloids.

“Gossip Girl” star Ed Westwick says he’d like to quash rumors that he’s gay so he’s considering having “sex in public” to prove that he’s not. George Michael said, “Good luck with that.”

This season’s “Project Runway” third place winner, Kenley Collins has been arrested for attacking her former fiance by throwing a cat at him. After the attack, she told her ex-boyfriend, “You’re lucky. It could’ve been a lot worse.” Yeah, it could have happened at her mom’s house. She has a hundred cats. Or as Kenley calls them, “Ammunition.”

Besides the cat, “Project Runway” contestant, Kenley Collins, is accused of throwing apples, water, and a laptop at her former fiance. Kenyon said that’s the most stuff she’s ever tossed without first putting her finger down her throat.

A new study by Hebrew University claims that the group that supposedly authored the Dead Sea Scrolls never even existed. Apparently the Scrolls just existed on papyrus. They’re a lot the profit statements Bernie Madoff issued to his investors. Or the list of U.S. Attorneys illegally fired by the Bush Justice Department. Like Alberto Gonzales said, “As far as I know, no one placed anyone on the list.” Madoff and Gonzales… separated at Bush… err… birth.

JOE & GORBY
Vice President Joe Biden will be meeting with former President of the Soviet Union Mikhail Gorbachev. I wish someone had told Joe not to try and buff that thing off his head…

DUFFY AFRAID
The Welsh singer, Duffy, says she’s scared by her success. We all are, Duffy……we all are…..

LINDSAY DRIES UP
Lindsay Lohan has asked Stephen and Daniel Baldwin to help her stay sober. In return, she promised she will do everything she can to help them stay out of acting.

STEVE-O
On the TV show “Jackass”, Steve-O was lit on fire, shot in the groin with a BB gun, roller skated into walls…..but one season on “Dancing with the Stars” and the guy’s nursing injuries. Would somebody explain that one?

BUSH BOOK
President Bush has already started on his first book since leaving the White House. Insiders say that he’s colored almost half of it.

GOOD NEWS
Some good news. The Easter Bunny announced today that he is skipping all of the AIG execs this year.

FLIP WILSON LIVES
A woman working at a church in Washington State says the devil talked her into stealing $70,000 from the congregation. Then I say the two of them deserve a serious time out…in a prison…for around 20 years….

AI ISSUE
“American Idol” contestant Megan Corkrey decided to go by her first and middle name, which is why you now hear her called, “Megan Joy”. Only problem is, there’s a semi-famous porn actress. Who knew? Uh, I didn’t mean for anyone to raise hands….but at least, now WE know who knew.