ALZHEIMER’S
A new study says Alzheimer’s cases are on the rise and that someone gets the disease every 70 seconds. In a related story, another new study says Alzheimer’s cases are on the rise and that someone gets the disease every 70 seconds….

MONSTERS VERSUS ALIENS
The highly-anticipated movie “Monsters vs. Aliens” opens this weekend. Or…as it’s known at CNN…”Lou Dobbs Tonight.”

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Cyclist Lance Armstrong fell off his bike in Spain and may miss the Tour de France. But don’t feel bad for Lance. Now that the former suspected drug user has fallen off his bike, the Republicans are thinking of having him run for Governor of Texas to groom him for the presidency.

114-YEAR-OLD MAN
A 114-year-old man has been arrested with 100 bags of marijuana. The sad part…He’s been kicked out of the Senior Olympics and he lost his endorsement deal with Kellogg’s.

A GAME OF RISK
Some people say the Obama bank recovery plan puts the public at too much risk. Hey…We’re still flying after 9/11. We’re still eating salads after E. coli scares. We’re still eating peanut butter after salmonella outbreaks. And our kids are Spring-Breaking in Cancun. We’re Americans! If it takes a little risk to get this economy moving again and avoid another Great Depression…we’ll take that gamble.

OBAMA
On Tuesday, the Obama administration sought to give Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner broad new powers. The first power…the ability to speak in public without wetting himself.

ECONOMIC PLAN
On “The News Hour with Jim Lehrer,” economist Donald Marron of Lightyear Capital said that the Obama administration’s toxic asset purchase plan will help to make “illiquid” assets “liquid” again. So the answer was this simple…Just add water! Who knew?

CHEAP CAR
India’s Tata Motors has unveiled a tiny, $2000 car. They say you can still make love in the back seat…as long as you’re David Spade and Dakota Fanning…

PRESIDENT SPEAKS
The president addressed the nation Tuesday night. Out of habit, Simon Cowell called the performance “very karaoke”.

JUDY JUDY JUDY
Anne Hathaway has landed the role of Judy Garland in an upcoming movie, beating out Clay Aiken.

JEN-JOHN
The rumor mill says that Jennifer Aniston dumped John Mayer “Twittered” too much…and kept telling her he was “too busy” to see her. A guy who is “too busy” to see Jennifer Aniston? There’s a name for that you know…gay.

STUDY
A new study published in the medical journal PLoS says that people whose faces turn red when they drink may be at a greater risk for certain types of cancers. If that’s true, “60 Minute’s” Steve Kroft should just go ahead and start the chemotherapy.

SPRING BREAK
The government of Mexico is using their soldiers to protect American college kids who are on Spring Break there. Students are weird. On one hand they say, “No Army recruiters on campus,” but then they’ll go and party in the middle of a drug war, with soldiers patrolling the streets!

RECESSION PLEASURES
NBC News says consumption of chocolate, purchases at McDonald’s, TV viewing and video game sales are on the rise during the recession. We may end up surviving the recession and having a heart attack during the recovery.

FARGO
The Red River in Fargo, North Dakota, has crested to its highest recorded level. I don’t want to say the citizens of Fargo are freaking out, but they just tossed a weatherman who predicted warm and sunny into a wood-chipper.

VAL
Valerie Bertinelli is on the cover of People Magazine wearing a revealing string bikini. People Magazine contrasts that with a smaller photo of a much heavier Bertinelli two years ago in a housecoat eating string cheese and linguini.

VICK RELEASED
Michael Vick was removed from federal lock-up in Kansas on Wednesday and headed to a halfway house in Virginia. There’s speculation that President Obama ordered the transfer as a veiled threat to the Blue Dog Democrats.

ONLINE TOWN HALL
President Barack Obama held an online town hall meeting Thursday morning, in which Americans submitted their questions on the Internet. The President handled each query flawlessly until some guy in Sioux City, Iowa, asked, “Is it possible to download a version of the Adobe Flash Player that’s compatible with my Window’s Vista?”

FAA
The USA Today is reporting that the Federal Aviation Administration has decided to keep all future data on bird strikes affecting air traffic a secret. The FAA’s plan is destined to fail, however, because “Dateline NBC” says they’ve found several parrots that are willing to talk, and some canaries who said they plan to sing.

NFL
National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell says he may expand the regular season by two games. Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz said he’s looked at his roster and two more losses is doable.

NEWT
Newt Gingrich says that President Obama and the Democrats have turned the USA into a “dictatorship.” The country doesn’t seem to care. The latest Gallup poll says 63 percent of Americans approve of the Obama dictatorship over the Bush monarchy.

LOADED FISH
Scientists from Baylor University found trace amounts of seven different pharmaceutical drugs in fish caught in the Chicago River near Lake Michigan. I guess this explains why the new spokesperson for Long John Silvers is Amy Winehouse.

ADD, LOADED FISH
Scientists are finding a pharmacy of drugs inside the fish being caught in the Chicago River. Fish used to be “brain food.” Remember the old public service commercial? “This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs?” If you don’t remember…it’s because you’ve been eating fish.

SARAH
Sarah Palin says that the night of the Vice Presidential debate with Joe Biden, she looked around the John McCain camp, but she couldn’t find anyone she could pray with. To be fair, most of John McCain’s friends have had knee replacement surgery, so kneeling is a bit of a problem.

ONLINE TOWN HALL
During Mr. Obama’s town hall meeting, over 100,000 questions were submitted…and 30,000 votes for Shawn Johnson and her partner Mark Ballas.