ALZHEIMER’S
A new study says Alzheimer’s cases are on the rise and that someone gets the disease every 70 seconds. In a related story, another new study says Alzheimer’s cases are on the rise and that someone gets the disease every 70 seconds….
MONSTERS VERSUS ALIENS
The highly-anticipated movie “Monsters vs. Aliens” opens this weekend. Or…as it’s known at CNN…”Lou Dobbs Tonight.”
LANCE ARMSTRONG
Cyclist Lance Armstrong fell off his bike in Spain and may miss the Tour de France. But don’t feel bad for Lance. Now that the former suspected drug user has fallen off his bike, the Republicans are thinking of having him run for Governor of Texas to groom him for the presidency.
114-YEAR-OLD MAN
A 114-year-old man has been arrested with 100 bags of marijuana. The sad part…He’s been kicked out of the Senior Olympics and he lost his endorsement deal with Kellogg’s.
A GAME OF RISK
Some people say the Obama bank recovery plan puts the public at too much risk. Hey…We’re still flying after 9/11. We’re still eating salads after E. coli scares. We’re still eating peanut butter after salmonella outbreaks. And our kids are Spring-Breaking in Cancun. We’re Americans! If it takes a little risk to get this economy moving again and avoid another Great Depression…we’ll take that gamble.
OBAMA
On Tuesday, the Obama administration sought to give Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner broad new powers. The first power…the ability to speak in public without wetting himself.
ECONOMIC PLAN
On “The News Hour with Jim Lehrer,” economist Donald Marron of Lightyear Capital said that the Obama administration’s toxic asset purchase plan will help to make “illiquid” assets “liquid” again. So the answer was this simple…Just add water! Who knew?
CHEAP CAR
India’s Tata Motors has unveiled a tiny, $2000 car. They say you can still make love in the back seat…as long as you’re David Spade and Dakota Fanning…
PRESIDENT SPEAKS
The president addressed the nation Tuesday night. Out of habit, Simon Cowell called the performance “very karaoke”.
JUDY JUDY JUDY
Anne Hathaway has landed the role of Judy Garland in an upcoming movie, beating out Clay Aiken.
JEN-JOHN
The rumor mill says that Jennifer Aniston dumped John Mayer “Twittered” too much…and kept telling her he was “too busy” to see her. A guy who is “too busy” to see Jennifer Aniston? There’s a name for that you know…gay.
STUDY
A new study published in the medical journal PLoS says that people whose faces turn red when they drink may be at a greater risk for certain types of cancers. If that’s true, “60 Minute’s” Steve Kroft should just go ahead and start the chemotherapy.
SPRING BREAK
The government of Mexico is using their soldiers to protect American college kids who are on Spring Break there. Students are weird. On one hand they say, “No Army recruiters on campus,” but then they’ll go and party in the middle of a drug war, with soldiers patrolling the streets!
RECESSION PLEASURES
NBC News says consumption of chocolate, purchases at McDonald’s, TV viewing and video game sales are on the rise during the recession. We may end up surviving the recession and having a heart attack during the recovery.
FARGO
The Red River in Fargo, North Dakota, has crested to its highest recorded level. I don’t want to say the citizens of Fargo are freaking out, but they just tossed a weatherman who predicted warm and sunny into a wood-chipper.
VAL
Valerie Bertinelli is on the cover of People Magazine wearing a revealing string bikini. People Magazine contrasts that with a smaller photo of a much heavier Bertinelli two years ago in a housecoat eating string cheese and linguini.
VICK RELEASED
Michael Vick was removed from federal lock-up in Kansas on Wednesday and headed to a halfway house in Virginia. There’s speculation that President Obama ordered the transfer as a veiled threat to the Blue Dog Democrats.
ONLINE TOWN HALL
President Barack Obama held an online town hall meeting Thursday morning, in which Americans submitted their questions on the Internet. The President handled each query flawlessly until some guy in Sioux City, Iowa, asked, “Is it possible to download a version of the Adobe Flash Player that’s compatible with my Window’s Vista?”
FAA
The USA Today is reporting that the Federal Aviation Administration has decided to keep all future data on bird strikes affecting air traffic a secret. The FAA’s plan is destined to fail, however, because “Dateline NBC” says they’ve found several parrots that are willing to talk, and some canaries who said they plan to sing.
NFL
National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell says he may expand the regular season by two games. Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz said he’s looked at his roster and two more losses is doable.
NEWT
Newt Gingrich says that President Obama and the Democrats have turned the USA into a “dictatorship.” The country doesn’t seem to care. The latest Gallup poll says 63 percent of Americans approve of the Obama dictatorship over the Bush monarchy.
LOADED FISH
Scientists from Baylor University found trace amounts of seven different pharmaceutical drugs in fish caught in the Chicago River near Lake Michigan. I guess this explains why the new spokesperson for Long John Silvers is Amy Winehouse.
ADD, LOADED FISH
Scientists are finding a pharmacy of drugs inside the fish being caught in the Chicago River. Fish used to be “brain food.” Remember the old public service commercial? “This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs?” If you don’t remember…it’s because you’ve been eating fish.
SARAH
Sarah Palin says that the night of the Vice Presidential debate with Joe Biden, she looked around the John McCain camp, but she couldn’t find anyone she could pray with. To be fair, most of John McCain’s friends have had knee replacement surgery, so kneeling is a bit of a problem.
ONLINE TOWN HALL
During Mr. Obama’s town hall meeting, over 100,000 questions were submitted…and 30,000 votes for Shawn Johnson and her partner Mark Ballas.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
On "60 Minutes" Sunday night, President Obama said, "Between seven and ten, I sort of know what I'm doing." And when it comes to the seven-ten split, he has no idea what he's doing.
You know what was weird? There was no Andy Rooney commentary at the end of "60 Minutes" Sunday night. 304 million people in America are pissed right now, but Andy Rooney couldn't find anything to complain about.
President Bush has started the writing on his first book since leaving the White House. He says he's already written 30,000 words, and now all he has to do is put 'em in the right order.
Lindsay Lohan has asked the Baldwin brothers to help her stay sober. Why, was Amy Winehouse busy? That's like asking Lehman Brothers to help you stay financially solvent.
Lindsay Lohan has asked the Baldwin brothers to help her stay sober. Isn't that like asking Madonna to help you stay celibate?
A new poll says 81 percent of New Yorkers disapprove of Governor David Paterson. In a related story, the New York State legislature has voted to tax former Governor Eliot Spitzer's hooker purchases at a rate of 81 percent.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was on "Meet the Press" Sunday to talk about building up the nation's infrastructure. Arnold had a message for the nation's sewers. He said, "I'm going to pump you up so we can pump you out!"
Madonna has moved her 22-year-old, Brazilian model-boyfriend, into her New York apartment with her three children, 12-years old and younger. The kids called Playgirl Magazine and said, "Hey, we actually have an Uncle now who has a chance of being Mr. October."
Democratic Senator Kent Conrad went on ABC's "This Week" Sunday, and told host George Stephanopoulos three times that we should tell the AIG executives to either give back the bonus money or they're "fired." Look, Senator, we want to get the bonus millions back... not also be on the hook for unemployment insurance. Idiot!
The big story on the tabloid news shows is that President Obama entered the "Tonight Show" studios through a "secret tunnel." Okay it's true. He came in through the secret tunnel for special guests. Not the one that runs from Mexico to Kevin Eubanks dressing room.
One of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's biggest problems is he can't get anybody to work for him because they're going through everyone's past tax returns with a fine-toothed comb. They say the trouble with juries is they're made up of people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty. Do we really want people working at the Treasury Department who were too stupid to figure out a way to cheat on their taxes?
"60 Minutes" interviewer Steve Kroft asked President Obama if the fact that he could still laugh with all the problems he's facing was an indication that he's "punch-drunk?" Geez, Steve, its hard not to laugh looking at your humongous face. Your face looks like Rush Limbaugh's ass with eyes. At least Obama doesn't look "punched-out."
Seriously, Kroft, was your fat, ugly mug run over by a Hummer or did you suck face with a cobra? Too bad there's no room for a brain in that Macy's Parade balloon you call your head.
The Detroit Lions will retire the number 93 for one season, to honor the late Corey Smith who drowned three weeks ago when the boat he was fishing on capsized. When you're the Detroit Lions, the only chance you get to retire a number is when somebody drowns.
Who'd want to wear the dead guy's number anyway? Like a guy on the Lions wants to tempt bad luck? "Sure I'd like to wear his number. And he left some unfinished macaroni salad in the team room fridge. I loves' me macaroni salad..."
Actress Lisa Rinna, whose posing nude for Playboy, says she's "not comfortable on the red carpet," she's comfortable when she's "naked." Lisa, for you're your information, there are no red carpets at my house.
Martha Stewart said she went to a party last week and Madonna wouldn't talk to her. You know Madonna. She doesn't play with people her own age.
On "The News Hour with Jim Lehrer," a guy who operates a coin and precious metals exchange, said people are so distrustful of banks, he knows a man who owns at least a "thousand silver ounce bars," and he "spray-painted them black," and "uses them as doorstops in his house." People pass 'em by. This got me to thinking... after rumors of assassination squads, we should really investigate those creepy-looking mannequins at Dick Cheney's Department Store...
With so many people hurting in the bad economy, rich and privileged people are starting to feel guilty and conspicuous. In fact, they're not even calling them "rich and privileged" anymore. They're "Challenge-Challenged."
At a conservative dinner in the Washington Grand Hyatt Hotel Thursday night, Joe the Plumber got such a wonderful ovation, he said all the love was making him "horny." And don't you know, Bristol Palin shouted, "I'm suddenly single!"
So Joe the Plumber is horny... he must have seen Rush Limbaugh bending over and grabbing his ankles.
And after the event, it's rumored Joe the Plumber laid some pipe at a gathering of Log Cabin Republicans...
On Friday, Congressman Barney Frank attacked planned bonuses for executives at Fannie Mae. You know the tide has turned when Barney Frank has discouraging words to say about Fannie.
Republicans are angry that with all the problems he's facing, Barack Obama took the time to make out NCAA brackets, go on "The Tonight Show," and "60 Minutes." They wonder why he didn't just go the Obama family ranch to clear bush and cut firewood.
Last week, Senator Charles Grassley said the executives at AIG should commit suicide. On Sunday, a pod of whales stranded themselves on an Australian beach, and lots of them died. Hey, when Grassley said nobody’s too big to fail, he wasn’t talking to you whales!
Many Republicans have criticized President Obama for his "Tonight Show" appearance saying it's below the dignity of his office to appear on ridiculous TV shows. It's a principled decision for members of the GOP. Remember, during the campaign, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin refused to go on ridiculous TV shows like "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation," ABC's "This Week," Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer".....
You know what was weird? There was no Andy Rooney commentary at the end of "60 Minutes" Sunday night. 304 million people in America are pissed right now, but Andy Rooney couldn't find anything to complain about.
President Bush has started the writing on his first book since leaving the White House. He says he's already written 30,000 words, and now all he has to do is put 'em in the right order.
Lindsay Lohan has asked the Baldwin brothers to help her stay sober. Why, was Amy Winehouse busy? That's like asking Lehman Brothers to help you stay financially solvent.
Lindsay Lohan has asked the Baldwin brothers to help her stay sober. Isn't that like asking Madonna to help you stay celibate?
A new poll says 81 percent of New Yorkers disapprove of Governor David Paterson. In a related story, the New York State legislature has voted to tax former Governor Eliot Spitzer's hooker purchases at a rate of 81 percent.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was on "Meet the Press" Sunday to talk about building up the nation's infrastructure. Arnold had a message for the nation's sewers. He said, "I'm going to pump you up so we can pump you out!"
Madonna has moved her 22-year-old, Brazilian model-boyfriend, into her New York apartment with her three children, 12-years old and younger. The kids called Playgirl Magazine and said, "Hey, we actually have an Uncle now who has a chance of being Mr. October."
Democratic Senator Kent Conrad went on ABC's "This Week" Sunday, and told host George Stephanopoulos three times that we should tell the AIG executives to either give back the bonus money or they're "fired." Look, Senator, we want to get the bonus millions back... not also be on the hook for unemployment insurance. Idiot!
The big story on the tabloid news shows is that President Obama entered the "Tonight Show" studios through a "secret tunnel." Okay it's true. He came in through the secret tunnel for special guests. Not the one that runs from Mexico to Kevin Eubanks dressing room.
One of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's biggest problems is he can't get anybody to work for him because they're going through everyone's past tax returns with a fine-toothed comb. They say the trouble with juries is they're made up of people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty. Do we really want people working at the Treasury Department who were too stupid to figure out a way to cheat on their taxes?
"60 Minutes" interviewer Steve Kroft asked President Obama if the fact that he could still laugh with all the problems he's facing was an indication that he's "punch-drunk?" Geez, Steve, its hard not to laugh looking at your humongous face. Your face looks like Rush Limbaugh's ass with eyes. At least Obama doesn't look "punched-out."
Seriously, Kroft, was your fat, ugly mug run over by a Hummer or did you suck face with a cobra? Too bad there's no room for a brain in that Macy's Parade balloon you call your head.
The Detroit Lions will retire the number 93 for one season, to honor the late Corey Smith who drowned three weeks ago when the boat he was fishing on capsized. When you're the Detroit Lions, the only chance you get to retire a number is when somebody drowns.
Who'd want to wear the dead guy's number anyway? Like a guy on the Lions wants to tempt bad luck? "Sure I'd like to wear his number. And he left some unfinished macaroni salad in the team room fridge. I loves' me macaroni salad..."
Actress Lisa Rinna, whose posing nude for Playboy, says she's "not comfortable on the red carpet," she's comfortable when she's "naked." Lisa, for you're your information, there are no red carpets at my house.
Martha Stewart said she went to a party last week and Madonna wouldn't talk to her. You know Madonna. She doesn't play with people her own age.
On "The News Hour with Jim Lehrer," a guy who operates a coin and precious metals exchange, said people are so distrustful of banks, he knows a man who owns at least a "thousand silver ounce bars," and he "spray-painted them black," and "uses them as doorstops in his house." People pass 'em by. This got me to thinking... after rumors of assassination squads, we should really investigate those creepy-looking mannequins at Dick Cheney's Department Store...
With so many people hurting in the bad economy, rich and privileged people are starting to feel guilty and conspicuous. In fact, they're not even calling them "rich and privileged" anymore. They're "Challenge-Challenged."
At a conservative dinner in the Washington Grand Hyatt Hotel Thursday night, Joe the Plumber got such a wonderful ovation, he said all the love was making him "horny." And don't you know, Bristol Palin shouted, "I'm suddenly single!"
So Joe the Plumber is horny... he must have seen Rush Limbaugh bending over and grabbing his ankles.
And after the event, it's rumored Joe the Plumber laid some pipe at a gathering of Log Cabin Republicans...
On Friday, Congressman Barney Frank attacked planned bonuses for executives at Fannie Mae. You know the tide has turned when Barney Frank has discouraging words to say about Fannie.
Republicans are angry that with all the problems he's facing, Barack Obama took the time to make out NCAA brackets, go on "The Tonight Show," and "60 Minutes." They wonder why he didn't just go the Obama family ranch to clear bush and cut firewood.
Last week, Senator Charles Grassley said the executives at AIG should commit suicide. On Sunday, a pod of whales stranded themselves on an Australian beach, and lots of them died. Hey, when Grassley said nobody’s too big to fail, he wasn’t talking to you whales!
Many Republicans have criticized President Obama for his "Tonight Show" appearance saying it's below the dignity of his office to appear on ridiculous TV shows. It's a principled decision for members of the GOP. Remember, during the campaign, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin refused to go on ridiculous TV shows like "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation," ABC's "This Week," Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer".....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Jokes Jay Leno Didn't Buy But Should Have
President Barack Obama appeared on the “Tonight Show” Thursday evening where he made a stupid and tacky remark comparing his poor bowling skills to the “Special Olympics.” Apparently 37 wasn’t just his bowling score. It’s also his IQ.
The White House claimed Mr. Obama could handle the “Tonight Show” and the economy simultaneously because he can “walk and chew gum at the same time.” Turns out he can’t sit and chew the fat at the same time.
The sad part is, now that the President has gotten into hot water with an “Olympics” controversy, he’s lost his endorsement deal with Kelloggs.
In Congress Thursday, Ohio Representative Steven LaTourette said that “sphincters were tightening on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.” These are tough days. Money’s tight. Sphincters are tight. The only thing that’s loose is Obama’s mouth.
At a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday, President Obama said that “over the next two years,” he would “create or save” 396,000 jobs in California. It’s a good start… but that’s not even enough jobs to cover Carlos Mencia’s cousins.
Some Republicans are angry about attempts to get back the bonuses from the AIG executives. They say it’s unconstitutional to violate signed contracts… Unless they’re union autoworker contracts, or hard-working teacher’s contracts. Republicans love to tear those up. Just not contracts for fat-ass fat-cats on Wall Street.
On Thursday, the Obama administration announced that they will end federal raids on distributors of medical marijuana. Apparently, Obama feels that if everyone is stoned, they won’t notice what a mess his Treasury Secretary is making of the of the bank rescue plan.
Friday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama broke ground on a garden for fruits, herbs and vegetables. So on Thursday the Obama Justice Department says it’s no longer conducting marijuana raids, and on Friday the Obama’s started a White House garden. If you were a suspicious person these stories might seem connected…
Friday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama broke ground on a garden that will supply the White House kitchen with fresh fruits, herbs and vegetables. That’s all well and good…but if I see them bringing in 50 pound bags of rice, some bailing wire and a ten thousand gallons of drinking water, I’m putting my money in my mattress.
Michelle Obama has broken ground on a White House Kitchen Garden. The Obama’s are receiving several garden gifts from around the country. Bill Maher sent marijuana seeds. PETA sent them some okra and eggplant seeds… and Rush Limbaugh sent some watermelon seeds.
Remember Ohio Representative Steve LaTourette saying that the backlash hitting the White House over the AIG bonuses is causing sphincters to tighten “on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue”? Too bad. They’re going to need manure for that garden.
Osama bin Laden released his second audio-tape in less than a week. Talk about “March Madness.”
In France, thousands of protesters jammed the streets on Thursday demanding higher work salaries and better job security. This begs the question, “What freaking planet are French people living on?”
The submerged U.S. Navy submarine, the Hartford, has collided in the Straight of Hormuz with the U.S. Naval ship, the New Orleans, causing punctures to both vessels. Thank goodness all the sailors are okay. Today former President Bush said to Barack Obama, “Keeping water from rushing into things named “New Orleans” isn’t as easy as it sounds.”
Senator Charles Grassley, the man who said last week that AIG executives should commit suicide, told Attorney General Eric Holder Thursday that his decision to end raids on distributors of medical marijuana violates the basic rule of medicine, “first, do no harm.” This is great advice coming from Senator “Kevorkian”.
Worried parents who weren’t able to talk their college-student kids out of going to Spring Break in violence-ravaged Cancun, Mexico, are biting their fingernails. Although, the kids are taking precautions… they’re using bullet-proof bota-bags and Kevlar keg-dispensers. But the college students have a great point about being safe. The drug cartels aren’t like the cigarette companies. They’re not out to kill their best customers…
Former “American Idol” winner, Kelly Clarkson’s new album, “All I Ever Wanted,” is holding for the second week at #1. Although, Laura Ingraham says that it should be named, “All I Ever Wanted to Eat.” I kid Laura Ingraham. Just channeling her…
After many attempts, the astronauts at the International Space Station were finally able to attach the last part of the solar-wing array to the outside of the station. Richard Simmons said, “I totally understand the difficulty. Attaching the wings is always the hardest part of my day.”
Shoppers in the produce section of a Tulsa supermarket were shocked to find one of the world’s most deadly arachnids, a Brazilian wandering spider, among the bunches of bananas. It’s the most deadly thing that’s been found in a produce section since the spinach, the lettuce, the organic salsa…
Larry Mullen Jr., the drummer for U2 says he wants the band to retire while they’re still on top. Unfortunately, to do that, they’ll have to buy a DeLorean and hook up with Dr. Emmitt Brown.
“Grey’s Anatomy” star T.R. Knight was only slightly injured in a three-car freeway accident after he collided with the car in front of him, which in turn collided with another vehicle. It’s the first three-way rear-ender T.R. Knight’s ever been involved in that didn’t end with everybody having a cigarette.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced President Obama at a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday. He told the President that he met Michelle Obama many years earlier. In fact they starred together in a movie called “Conan the Destroyer.”
Later, Mr. Obama appeared on the “Tonight Show,” where he made an unfortunate remark comparing his poor bowling skills to the “Special Olympics.” That’s what happens when you let Joe Biden write your comedy material.
Actor James Franco, who played the lover of the gay city councilman in “Milk,” is studying for his Master’s Degree at Columbia University, but he’s finding that difficult because students keep pursuing him romantically. And that’s just men’s glee club.
Prince William says he wishes he were invisible so he could hang out at the British tabloids and hear the latest rumors about his love-life first-hand. Prince Charles says he’s glad William isn’t invisible, because if he were he’d catch him selling secrets about William’s love-life to the tabloids.
“Gossip Girl” star Ed Westwick says he’d like to quash rumors that he’s gay so he’s considering having “sex in public” to prove that he’s not. George Michael said, “Good luck with that.”
This season’s “Project Runway” third place winner, Kenley Collins has been arrested for attacking her former fiance by throwing a cat at him. After the attack, she told her ex-boyfriend, “You’re lucky. It could’ve been a lot worse.” Yeah, it could have happened at her mom’s house. She has a hundred cats. Or as Kenley calls them, “Ammunition.”
Besides the cat, “Project Runway” contestant, Kenley Collins, is accused of throwing apples, water, and a laptop at her former fiance. Kenyon said that’s the most stuff she’s ever tossed without first putting her finger down her throat.
A new study by Hebrew University claims that the group that supposedly authored the Dead Sea Scrolls never even existed. Apparently the Scrolls just existed on papyrus. They’re a lot the profit statements Bernie Madoff issued to his investors. Or the list of U.S. Attorneys illegally fired by the Bush Justice Department. Like Alberto Gonzales said, “As far as I know, no one placed anyone on the list.” Madoff and Gonzales… separated at Bush… err… birth.
JOE & GORBY
Vice President Joe Biden will be meeting with former President of the Soviet Union Mikhail Gorbachev. I wish someone had told Joe not to try and buff that thing off his head…
DUFFY AFRAID
The Welsh singer, Duffy, says she’s scared by her success. We all are, Duffy……we all are…..
LINDSAY DRIES UP
Lindsay Lohan has asked Stephen and Daniel Baldwin to help her stay sober. In return, she promised she will do everything she can to help them stay out of acting.
STEVE-O
On the TV show “Jackass”, Steve-O was lit on fire, shot in the groin with a BB gun, roller skated into walls…..but one season on “Dancing with the Stars” and the guy’s nursing injuries. Would somebody explain that one?
BUSH BOOK
President Bush has already started on his first book since leaving the White House. Insiders say that he’s colored almost half of it.
GOOD NEWS
Some good news. The Easter Bunny announced today that he is skipping all of the AIG execs this year.
FLIP WILSON LIVES
A woman working at a church in Washington State says the devil talked her into stealing $70,000 from the congregation. Then I say the two of them deserve a serious time out…in a prison…for around 20 years….
AI ISSUE
“American Idol” contestant Megan Corkrey decided to go by her first and middle name, which is why you now hear her called, “Megan Joy”. Only problem is, there’s a semi-famous porn actress. Who knew? Uh, I didn’t mean for anyone to raise hands….but at least, now WE know who knew.
The White House claimed Mr. Obama could handle the “Tonight Show” and the economy simultaneously because he can “walk and chew gum at the same time.” Turns out he can’t sit and chew the fat at the same time.
The sad part is, now that the President has gotten into hot water with an “Olympics” controversy, he’s lost his endorsement deal with Kelloggs.
In Congress Thursday, Ohio Representative Steven LaTourette said that “sphincters were tightening on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.” These are tough days. Money’s tight. Sphincters are tight. The only thing that’s loose is Obama’s mouth.
At a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday, President Obama said that “over the next two years,” he would “create or save” 396,000 jobs in California. It’s a good start… but that’s not even enough jobs to cover Carlos Mencia’s cousins.
Some Republicans are angry about attempts to get back the bonuses from the AIG executives. They say it’s unconstitutional to violate signed contracts… Unless they’re union autoworker contracts, or hard-working teacher’s contracts. Republicans love to tear those up. Just not contracts for fat-ass fat-cats on Wall Street.
On Thursday, the Obama administration announced that they will end federal raids on distributors of medical marijuana. Apparently, Obama feels that if everyone is stoned, they won’t notice what a mess his Treasury Secretary is making of the of the bank rescue plan.
Friday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama broke ground on a garden for fruits, herbs and vegetables. So on Thursday the Obama Justice Department says it’s no longer conducting marijuana raids, and on Friday the Obama’s started a White House garden. If you were a suspicious person these stories might seem connected…
Friday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama broke ground on a garden that will supply the White House kitchen with fresh fruits, herbs and vegetables. That’s all well and good…but if I see them bringing in 50 pound bags of rice, some bailing wire and a ten thousand gallons of drinking water, I’m putting my money in my mattress.
Michelle Obama has broken ground on a White House Kitchen Garden. The Obama’s are receiving several garden gifts from around the country. Bill Maher sent marijuana seeds. PETA sent them some okra and eggplant seeds… and Rush Limbaugh sent some watermelon seeds.
Remember Ohio Representative Steve LaTourette saying that the backlash hitting the White House over the AIG bonuses is causing sphincters to tighten “on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue”? Too bad. They’re going to need manure for that garden.
Osama bin Laden released his second audio-tape in less than a week. Talk about “March Madness.”
In France, thousands of protesters jammed the streets on Thursday demanding higher work salaries and better job security. This begs the question, “What freaking planet are French people living on?”
The submerged U.S. Navy submarine, the Hartford, has collided in the Straight of Hormuz with the U.S. Naval ship, the New Orleans, causing punctures to both vessels. Thank goodness all the sailors are okay. Today former President Bush said to Barack Obama, “Keeping water from rushing into things named “New Orleans” isn’t as easy as it sounds.”
Senator Charles Grassley, the man who said last week that AIG executives should commit suicide, told Attorney General Eric Holder Thursday that his decision to end raids on distributors of medical marijuana violates the basic rule of medicine, “first, do no harm.” This is great advice coming from Senator “Kevorkian”.
Worried parents who weren’t able to talk their college-student kids out of going to Spring Break in violence-ravaged Cancun, Mexico, are biting their fingernails. Although, the kids are taking precautions… they’re using bullet-proof bota-bags and Kevlar keg-dispensers. But the college students have a great point about being safe. The drug cartels aren’t like the cigarette companies. They’re not out to kill their best customers…
Former “American Idol” winner, Kelly Clarkson’s new album, “All I Ever Wanted,” is holding for the second week at #1. Although, Laura Ingraham says that it should be named, “All I Ever Wanted to Eat.” I kid Laura Ingraham. Just channeling her…
After many attempts, the astronauts at the International Space Station were finally able to attach the last part of the solar-wing array to the outside of the station. Richard Simmons said, “I totally understand the difficulty. Attaching the wings is always the hardest part of my day.”
Shoppers in the produce section of a Tulsa supermarket were shocked to find one of the world’s most deadly arachnids, a Brazilian wandering spider, among the bunches of bananas. It’s the most deadly thing that’s been found in a produce section since the spinach, the lettuce, the organic salsa…
Larry Mullen Jr., the drummer for U2 says he wants the band to retire while they’re still on top. Unfortunately, to do that, they’ll have to buy a DeLorean and hook up with Dr. Emmitt Brown.
“Grey’s Anatomy” star T.R. Knight was only slightly injured in a three-car freeway accident after he collided with the car in front of him, which in turn collided with another vehicle. It’s the first three-way rear-ender T.R. Knight’s ever been involved in that didn’t end with everybody having a cigarette.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced President Obama at a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday. He told the President that he met Michelle Obama many years earlier. In fact they starred together in a movie called “Conan the Destroyer.”
Later, Mr. Obama appeared on the “Tonight Show,” where he made an unfortunate remark comparing his poor bowling skills to the “Special Olympics.” That’s what happens when you let Joe Biden write your comedy material.
Actor James Franco, who played the lover of the gay city councilman in “Milk,” is studying for his Master’s Degree at Columbia University, but he’s finding that difficult because students keep pursuing him romantically. And that’s just men’s glee club.
Prince William says he wishes he were invisible so he could hang out at the British tabloids and hear the latest rumors about his love-life first-hand. Prince Charles says he’s glad William isn’t invisible, because if he were he’d catch him selling secrets about William’s love-life to the tabloids.
“Gossip Girl” star Ed Westwick says he’d like to quash rumors that he’s gay so he’s considering having “sex in public” to prove that he’s not. George Michael said, “Good luck with that.”
This season’s “Project Runway” third place winner, Kenley Collins has been arrested for attacking her former fiance by throwing a cat at him. After the attack, she told her ex-boyfriend, “You’re lucky. It could’ve been a lot worse.” Yeah, it could have happened at her mom’s house. She has a hundred cats. Or as Kenley calls them, “Ammunition.”
Besides the cat, “Project Runway” contestant, Kenley Collins, is accused of throwing apples, water, and a laptop at her former fiance. Kenyon said that’s the most stuff she’s ever tossed without first putting her finger down her throat.
A new study by Hebrew University claims that the group that supposedly authored the Dead Sea Scrolls never even existed. Apparently the Scrolls just existed on papyrus. They’re a lot the profit statements Bernie Madoff issued to his investors. Or the list of U.S. Attorneys illegally fired by the Bush Justice Department. Like Alberto Gonzales said, “As far as I know, no one placed anyone on the list.” Madoff and Gonzales… separated at Bush… err… birth.
JOE & GORBY
Vice President Joe Biden will be meeting with former President of the Soviet Union Mikhail Gorbachev. I wish someone had told Joe not to try and buff that thing off his head…
DUFFY AFRAID
The Welsh singer, Duffy, says she’s scared by her success. We all are, Duffy……we all are…..
LINDSAY DRIES UP
Lindsay Lohan has asked Stephen and Daniel Baldwin to help her stay sober. In return, she promised she will do everything she can to help them stay out of acting.
STEVE-O
On the TV show “Jackass”, Steve-O was lit on fire, shot in the groin with a BB gun, roller skated into walls…..but one season on “Dancing with the Stars” and the guy’s nursing injuries. Would somebody explain that one?
BUSH BOOK
President Bush has already started on his first book since leaving the White House. Insiders say that he’s colored almost half of it.
GOOD NEWS
Some good news. The Easter Bunny announced today that he is skipping all of the AIG execs this year.
FLIP WILSON LIVES
A woman working at a church in Washington State says the devil talked her into stealing $70,000 from the congregation. Then I say the two of them deserve a serious time out…in a prison…for around 20 years….
AI ISSUE
“American Idol” contestant Megan Corkrey decided to go by her first and middle name, which is why you now hear her called, “Megan Joy”. Only problem is, there’s a semi-famous porn actress. Who knew? Uh, I didn’t mean for anyone to raise hands….but at least, now WE know who knew.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Jokes Jay Leno Didn't Buy But Should Have
BRITNEY
Britney Spears won three MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night. Britney said she was so overwhelmed she wished she was under-weared.
SARAH PALIN
Sarah Palin hit the campaign trail in Wisconsin on Friday. All the moose in the state spent the weekend in Michigan.
HILLARY
Hillary Clinton is out on the campaign trail for Barack Obama attacking John McCain VP pick Sarah Palin. Or as Bill Clinton calls it,"Hot chick-on-chick action."
ADD, HILLARY
It's amazing that it's come down to this. A woman from Arkansas going at it with a woman from Alaska. Months of primaries and debates has devolved into ladies' mud-pit night at the mining camp.
OBAMA
While discussing Internet smears claiming he was an extremist Muslim, Barack Obama used the term, "My Muslim faith," on a Sunday morning political show. Obama attempted to explain that he was just using the term for the sake of the argument, but by then everyone had stopped listening to the interview and was busy uploading the clip onto YouTube.
AL QAEDA
Al Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahiri released a new video this week. Even he was careful enough not to mention his Muslim faith.
PAUL MCCARTNEY
Paul McCartney has written a song about his new girlfriend. It's called, "I Want To Hold On To My Money."
MCCAIN PICK
When John McCain chose Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate, he stressed that she's not a Washington insider by saying she's not from "these parts". These parts? What is this--a '50's Western? John McCain's not just A maverick--he thinks he's IN "Maverick".
PALIN SPEECH
An aid to John McCain told the Washington Post that an early draft of the acceptance speech delivered by Sarah Palin Wednesday night was written for a prospective male V.P. choice, and was altered to make it sound "less masculine."
Altered to be less masculine? Shouldn't Hillary try that on Bill?
RUDY
Rudy Giuliani held a news conference this week to say that the liberal press was being unfair to Sarah Palin and that she doesn't need to be vetted by the media because she's already been vetted by the voters in Alaska. Then he cut the news conference short to pick up his former Police Commissioner at the probation officer's house.
NFL
Congratulations to the New York Giants who followed up their Super Bowl win with a season-opening victory over the Redskins in a special early Thursday edition of NBC's Sunday Night Football. It's a good thing the game didn't go into sudden death because that would have put John McCain's speech way past his bedtime.
NEW STUDY
A new study says elephants can count. This explains why Republicans put a pro-drilling, pro-gun, pro-life, woman on the presidential ticket.
MAN SUES
A man is suing Home Depot after getting glued to a toilet seat in the store bathroom. You know what's worse than getting glued to a toilet seat in a Home Depot? Getting glued to one in the men's restroom at the Minneapolis airport.
OBAMA
Barack Obama is trying to find a way to counter the empathy John McCain gets from voters when he talks about being held prisoner for five and a half years in a POW camp. Obama's now telling the story of how he once had to wait five and a half hours for Joe Biden to finish answering a question.
PALIN/MCCAIN
John McCain campaign strategist Rick Davis has suggested that Sarah Palin may not subject herself to the usual media vetting by doing interviews on Sunday political talk shows like "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation" and ABC's "This Week," saying it may not be "in our best interest" to do so. I'm surprised at John McCain. I thought sneaking girls into the Oval Office was more of a Bill Clinton thing.
THE PALINS'
Sportscasters are starting to notice the amazing physical resemblance between Sarah Palin's husband Todd and future Hall of Fame relief pitcher Trevor Hoffman. You know, about relievers. They come in at the very end to save the big game. But enough about the Palins'.
GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN
Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland is in hot water for twice characterizing Barack and Michelle Obama with the racially charged term "uppity". I think Westmoreland deserves an award for his honesty. All the careful racists in America refer to the Obama's as "aloof," "arrogant," "elitist," "snobby," "snooty," "nervy" and "presumptuous". You know…all the synonyms for "uppity".
NEW STUDY
A study by the University of Minnesota in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research says that 18 percent of the alcohol being sold at stadium sporting events is bought by underage drinkers, and 74 percent of the buyers drink to the point of intoxication. This explains why kids go through their allowance so fast. Not only are they drinking…they're paying 8 bucks for a cup of beer!
Britney Spears won three MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night. Britney said she was so overwhelmed she wished she was under-weared.
SARAH PALIN
Sarah Palin hit the campaign trail in Wisconsin on Friday. All the moose in the state spent the weekend in Michigan.
HILLARY
Hillary Clinton is out on the campaign trail for Barack Obama attacking John McCain VP pick Sarah Palin. Or as Bill Clinton calls it,"Hot chick-on-chick action."
ADD, HILLARY
It's amazing that it's come down to this. A woman from Arkansas going at it with a woman from Alaska. Months of primaries and debates has devolved into ladies' mud-pit night at the mining camp.
OBAMA
While discussing Internet smears claiming he was an extremist Muslim, Barack Obama used the term, "My Muslim faith," on a Sunday morning political show. Obama attempted to explain that he was just using the term for the sake of the argument, but by then everyone had stopped listening to the interview and was busy uploading the clip onto YouTube.
AL QAEDA
Al Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahiri released a new video this week. Even he was careful enough not to mention his Muslim faith.
PAUL MCCARTNEY
Paul McCartney has written a song about his new girlfriend. It's called, "I Want To Hold On To My Money."
MCCAIN PICK
When John McCain chose Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate, he stressed that she's not a Washington insider by saying she's not from "these parts". These parts? What is this--a '50's Western? John McCain's not just A maverick--he thinks he's IN "Maverick".
PALIN SPEECH
An aid to John McCain told the Washington Post that an early draft of the acceptance speech delivered by Sarah Palin Wednesday night was written for a prospective male V.P. choice, and was altered to make it sound "less masculine."
Altered to be less masculine? Shouldn't Hillary try that on Bill?
RUDY
Rudy Giuliani held a news conference this week to say that the liberal press was being unfair to Sarah Palin and that she doesn't need to be vetted by the media because she's already been vetted by the voters in Alaska. Then he cut the news conference short to pick up his former Police Commissioner at the probation officer's house.
NFL
Congratulations to the New York Giants who followed up their Super Bowl win with a season-opening victory over the Redskins in a special early Thursday edition of NBC's Sunday Night Football. It's a good thing the game didn't go into sudden death because that would have put John McCain's speech way past his bedtime.
NEW STUDY
A new study says elephants can count. This explains why Republicans put a pro-drilling, pro-gun, pro-life, woman on the presidential ticket.
MAN SUES
A man is suing Home Depot after getting glued to a toilet seat in the store bathroom. You know what's worse than getting glued to a toilet seat in a Home Depot? Getting glued to one in the men's restroom at the Minneapolis airport.
OBAMA
Barack Obama is trying to find a way to counter the empathy John McCain gets from voters when he talks about being held prisoner for five and a half years in a POW camp. Obama's now telling the story of how he once had to wait five and a half hours for Joe Biden to finish answering a question.
PALIN/MCCAIN
John McCain campaign strategist Rick Davis has suggested that Sarah Palin may not subject herself to the usual media vetting by doing interviews on Sunday political talk shows like "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation" and ABC's "This Week," saying it may not be "in our best interest" to do so. I'm surprised at John McCain. I thought sneaking girls into the Oval Office was more of a Bill Clinton thing.
THE PALINS'
Sportscasters are starting to notice the amazing physical resemblance between Sarah Palin's husband Todd and future Hall of Fame relief pitcher Trevor Hoffman. You know, about relievers. They come in at the very end to save the big game. But enough about the Palins'.
GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN
Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland is in hot water for twice characterizing Barack and Michelle Obama with the racially charged term "uppity". I think Westmoreland deserves an award for his honesty. All the careful racists in America refer to the Obama's as "aloof," "arrogant," "elitist," "snobby," "snooty," "nervy" and "presumptuous". You know…all the synonyms for "uppity".
NEW STUDY
A study by the University of Minnesota in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research says that 18 percent of the alcohol being sold at stadium sporting events is bought by underage drinkers, and 74 percent of the buyers drink to the point of intoxication. This explains why kids go through their allowance so fast. Not only are they drinking…they're paying 8 bucks for a cup of beer!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)