Jokes Jay Leno Didn't Buy But Should Have

BRITNEY

Britney Spears won three MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night. Britney said she was so overwhelmed she wished she was under-weared.

SARAH PALIN

Sarah Palin hit the campaign trail in Wisconsin on Friday. All the moose in the state spent the weekend in Michigan.

HILLARY

Hillary Clinton is out on the campaign trail for Barack Obama attacking John McCain VP pick Sarah Palin. Or as Bill Clinton calls it,"Hot chick-on-chick action."

ADD, HILLARY

It's amazing that it's come down to this. A woman from Arkansas going at it with a woman from Alaska. Months of primaries and debates has devolved into ladies' mud-pit night at the mining camp.

OBAMA

While discussing Internet smears claiming he was an extremist Muslim, Barack Obama used the term, "My Muslim faith," on a Sunday morning political show. Obama attempted to explain that he was just using the term for the sake of the argument, but by then everyone had stopped listening to the interview and was busy uploading the clip onto YouTube.

AL QAEDA

Al Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahiri released a new video this week. Even he was careful enough not to mention his Muslim faith.

PAUL MCCARTNEY

Paul McCartney has written a song about his new girlfriend. It's called, "I Want To Hold On To My Money."

MCCAIN PICK

When John McCain chose Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate, he stressed that she's not a Washington insider by saying she's not from "these parts". These parts? What is this--a '50's Western? John McCain's not just A maverick--he thinks he's IN "Maverick".

PALIN SPEECH

An aid to John McCain told the Washington Post that an early draft of the acceptance speech delivered by Sarah Palin Wednesday night was written for a prospective male V.P. choice, and was altered to make it sound "less masculine."

Altered to be less masculine? Shouldn't Hillary try that on Bill?

RUDY

Rudy Giuliani held a news conference this week to say that the liberal press was being unfair to Sarah Palin and that she doesn't need to be vetted by the media because she's already been vetted by the voters in Alaska. Then he cut the news conference short to pick up his former Police Commissioner at the probation officer's house.

NFL

Congratulations to the New York Giants who followed up their Super Bowl win with a season-opening victory over the Redskins in a special early Thursday edition of NBC's Sunday Night Football. It's a good thing the game didn't go into sudden death because that would have put John McCain's speech way past his bedtime.

NEW STUDY

A new study says elephants can count. This explains why Republicans put a pro-drilling, pro-gun, pro-life, woman on the presidential ticket.

MAN SUES

A man is suing Home Depot after getting glued to a toilet seat in the store bathroom. You know what's worse than getting glued to a toilet seat in a Home Depot? Getting glued to one in the men's restroom at the Minneapolis airport.

OBAMA

Barack Obama is trying to find a way to counter the empathy John McCain gets from voters when he talks about being held prisoner for five and a half years in a POW camp. Obama's now telling the story of how he once had to wait five and a half hours for Joe Biden to finish answering a question.

PALIN/MCCAIN

John McCain campaign strategist Rick Davis has suggested that Sarah Palin may not subject herself to the usual media vetting by doing interviews on Sunday political talk shows like "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation" and ABC's "This Week," saying it may not be "in our best interest" to do so. I'm surprised at John McCain. I thought sneaking girls into the Oval Office was more of a Bill Clinton thing.

THE PALINS'

Sportscasters are starting to notice the amazing physical resemblance between Sarah Palin's husband Todd and future Hall of Fame relief pitcher Trevor Hoffman. You know, about relievers. They come in at the very end to save the big game. But enough about the Palins'.

GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN

Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland is in hot water for twice characterizing Barack and Michelle Obama with the racially charged term "uppity". I think Westmoreland deserves an award for his honesty. All the careful racists in America refer to the Obama's as "aloof," "arrogant," "elitist," "snobby," "snooty," "nervy" and "presumptuous". You know…all the synonyms for "uppity".

NEW STUDY

A study by the University of Minnesota in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research says that 18 percent of the alcohol being sold at stadium sporting events is bought by underage drinkers, and 74 percent of the buyers drink to the point of intoxication. This explains why kids go through their allowance so fast. Not only are they drinking…they're paying 8 bucks for a cup of beer!